Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I wish they made helmets for livers.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
