Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
