I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
