Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
He kissed a someone with a penis
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
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