I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Randomize
