3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
