You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
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