Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Ladies don't puke and tell
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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