I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
