I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize