my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
