Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
But we have bathrooms and they dont
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
