i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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