sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
