Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
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