Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
