True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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