You're my little dorito
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
