I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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