Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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