Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
