im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
