Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Randomize
