Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
