I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
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