Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
