remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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