Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
