Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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