All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Randomize
