she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
