hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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