at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Randomize
