just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Use "feeling words"
Yay
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Randomize
