I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Randomize
