i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
