Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
