he puts the penis in happiness.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
