remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
