I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
