I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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