do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
