I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
