you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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