Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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