he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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