I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
