Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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