You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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