btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
